Whenever I take on a new client whether it is with regard to a personal situation, a problem with their pet, or an issue with a child, the first task I ask of them is to tell me what the ideal state looks like. This is the same process I used when I worked with business process re-engineering, it was the same process I used for instructional design, and it was the approach I took with performance improvement.
It is the way all things are created - first in the mind, often then on paper and finally for real. In cases where we are dealing with behaviour, there are generally only two phases - the expectation and the realisation. In a scene from Lewis Carroll's "Alice in Wonderland" upon meeting the Cheshire Cat at a cross roads, Alice asked, "Would you tell me please which way I ought to go from here?"
To which the Cat replied, "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't much care where-" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"- so long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh you are sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."
Often what we do in life happens without a clear idea at the start of what we want to happen at the end. And then, when we get there, we are disappointed or don't understand the result. The young people with whom I work are very much like this in their approach. They get so caught up in the busyness of their lives that they miss the opportunity to set a clear direction. We all do it at some stage in life; everything gets so overwhelming that we lose sight of where we want to be.
This is why it is so important to pause and reflect on what that ideal looks like. We do it in career and business planning – “Where do you want to be three years from now? In five years?” We set an expectation in motion and then work towards achieving that goal. For some odd reason we are not so good at following that same approach to changing behaviours. And yet, behaviour change works according to the very same principle and the results are rather spectacular when they happen.
Ever wondered how you might help a loved one to develop a characteristic that does not come easily to them? Try imagining them behaving in this way with ease. Perhaps they are unduly shy and find it difficult to talk or perform to an audience but have to for an audition or job interview. Start by creating an image in your head of them doing so with confidence and alacrity. Share this image with the subject. Talk about what it would feel like, what needs to happen to get to that point. Engage them in coming up with the bits they'd like to try and take it from there. With time and the right reinforcement, it will come to be.
You get what you focus on regardless of whether you pre-plan or not. Whatever your attention touches has a greater chance of coming into being than that which you ignore. So what are you focusing on? Do you have a clear goal in mind that is drawing your focus to it, or are you flitting from one thing to another, not really allowing your focus to linger long enough to form an image in your mind of the ideal state?
Is your attention always focused on what's not working or do you hold in mind the image of things coming together perfectly? Do you plan for success every time, setting the scene so your child or your pet or your partner can't help but get it right? Do you draw their focus to the behaviours you want to see more of by generously rewarding those behaviours with acknowledgement, kind words, special treats, attention...you get the idea.
Changing behaviour starts with determining exactly what it is you want to be the source of your focus, and then bringing it into being by shaping the behaviour through the application of positive reinforcement tools. Positive in that you are adding something to the process, reinforcement in that in doing so you are increasing the likelihood that the behaviour will be repeated.
If it sounds simple, that’s because it is. The process is indeed a simple one to articulate, it is though much harder to apply because everything about the way we do things has been conditioned the other way round.
Our media, our social system, our work environment –are all geared to focus on the negative: what’s not working, what’s going wrong, what needs fixing; and often overlook the value of reinforcing what’s going well. It is little wonder we get more of the same with that sort of intense focus. I know that feel good stories are not newsworthy and that there is so much more drama in a good fraud or exposing criminal activity, but with all the attention those sorts of stories gets, we make it the norm. We become desensitized to that stuff and suspicious of folk who are genuinely interested in living positive lives.
When we want to change the behaviour of others, it often starts with changing one’s own behaviour. For a start, to see that which is working well, we have to shift our focus away from that which is not. We have to ignore those things that are annoying us, and channel our attention on to aspects of the subject’s behaviour that we can work with – the stuff that works well.
There are many examples of this in animal training: for example teaching a dog to go to her mat to stop her from jumping up on people – the behaviours are incompatible and so you solve a behaviour problem by cueing the dog to do something new.
Examples abound with children as well. Every good coach knows that by focusing the child’s attention of an aspect of the skill they can do, they are more likely to do it again and in so doing, they bring other aspects of their performance into alignment. For example a tennis coach might focus only on the positioning of the shoulder during the serve. It is something the students can feel and when they get it right, they know what to do to repeat the move. The TAGteach approach is excellent for this type of skill defining. The acoustic marker marks exactly when the shoulder hits the position it needs to be in and this informs the student that they got it right. The reinforcement they get from a successful serve makes it more likely they repeat that shoulder positioning exactly.
A common misconception I often come across is the idea that reinforcement in any form is some sort of bribery. This is a brilliant example of how our thinking always gravitates toward looking for a reason why something won’t work, rather than focusing on how to make it work.
Whenever I suggest to my dog-owning clients that they should get into the habit of carrying something yummy in their pockets when walking their dogs, some shake their heads and declare that they don’t want to get into a habit of bribing their dogs. These are often the same folk that lament the fact that their dogs won’t come when they are called. In fairness to these people, dog training in the past has used a form of bribery, called luring, that offers the food before the behaviour and then delivers it after.
There is a significant difference between this form of bribery and reinforcement. Carrying a form of reinforcement around with you to reward your dog, is no different than carrying a word of praise around for an employee that is doing a good job. Firstly there is no reward in sight until after the behaviour has been performed. The dog might know that you have food on you; their sense of smell will make pretty sure of that. But they have no idea what it is for or whether or not they will get any of it.
The same approach works for children. In our technological world, there are dozens of ways you can build a repertoire of reinforcement techniques and tools to use with your children to reward appropriate behaviour without bribing or coercing, nagging or manipulating. It all starts with the expectation – knowing what it is you want: whether it be a clean room, homework done on time, or help with the chores around the home. Set the expectation and then catch the kids in the act. Reward generously and before you know it, the behaviour will become the norm.
You get what you focus on – expect success, focus on it, reward approximations toward it, and it’ll happen. It has to, it’s the way the world works. |
