Recently a young client of mine was experiencing some difficulty at work with his boss. He’s a dog owner and is well aware of our philosophy that “you get the behaviour you focus on”. While he is most adept at applying this with respect to his dog, he couldn't see how this would apply in the workplace.
As with dog training, boss training starts with you. The first question you need to ask is: “What am I doing that might be (inadvertently) reinforcing the current behaviour?” Behaviour is all about understanding your ABC’s and so before any change can take place, it is important to understand the current state of play. In my friend’s case, the antecedent behaviours were outside his control. Something would set off his boss and as she sought an outlet for her frustration, my client, being a junior member of the team and a direct report to the boss, would end up in the firing line of her displaced aggression.
The component we have the most control over is the consequences, and in this situation, my friend passively took the verbal abuse while his boss vented her frustration his way. This as it turned out was highly reinforcing for his boss. She finally had someone she could bully and berate with no negative consequence. Instead, she would feel the emotional release that comes from such displays and the power high that follows.
Corporate bullying is endemic in business around the world, and little is done to acknowledge it or to protect the young people who invariably take the brunt. The attitude seems to be that it’s character building and toughens you up. There are movies made on the subject and even Ministers of Parliament have been accused of it, but nothing ever comes of it because it is better to be bullied than to be a tattle-tale or worse, to be out of a job. Somewhere along the line our social values have become skewed.
Dealing with bully bosses is very much like dealing with an aggressive dog. They need tight management and every effort needs to be made to keep them below threshold. But before you can start working with them you need to know what you are dealing with and in the case of a new boss, you don’t often see the dark side until you have accepted the job and the honeymoon period has passed.
The first rule of business for any new employee should be to observe what’s going on: get to know the politics of the workplace, notice what makes people react as they do, sort out the various alliances and the interplay between personalities, and work out how it all hangs together. Someone new in the mix will change the dynamics of the group. You get to decide the influence you will have, but only if you understand what you are getting yourself into.
It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway, your primary purpose in the workplace is to do your job and to do it well. This can be difficult though, if you have one of those bosses that micromanages, who vents at subordinates, who is never satisfied, and who has no respect for their employees. That sort of stress can interfere with the quality of anyone's work. So it is not acceptable to allow these people to treat you in this way or to exercise this level of power over you.
This is where two fundamental principles come into play:
- You Get What You Focus On, and
- Use Your ABC's.
Once you know how things work in the workplace you will also be aware of the triggers that set off your boss's inappropriate behaviour. Make a list of them if you can. These are the Antecedents, the precursors to the inevitable deluge that invariably rains on you.
It may be that one or more of these triggers are in play and, though it may have nothing to do with your work or your behaviour, your proximity puts you in the firing line. This is called “displacement” in behaviour terms: the perpetrator displaces their aggression from the real source to an easier target, the classic bullying syndrome.
Intervening there, before the displacement behaviour occurs, and diverting the subject away from their normal reactive behaviour is a technique you can use once you know what these triggers are – in a dog's case that might entail stuffing their mouth with food; in the case of your boss that might not be the most appropriate approach. But then again it might, particularly if your boss is food motivated (and what woman under stress is not?)
Intervening with a freshly made cup of coffee and offering your boss one of her favourite chocolates (that you just happen to have a box of in your desk) with a smile and the words, "Thought you might need a bit of a pick me up, go on, take two!", might be all that is needed.
The focus here, as with the dog, is to keep the subject below threshold by creating a break in the string of events causing the stress. Thereby giving the subject an opportunity to cool down and re-establish a calm demeanour, we all know how calming chocolate can be.
If feeding your boss doesn't work, try diversion. This is most useful if the trigger was not set by something you did. Read the signs, be prepared, get to your feet, call your boss to you or go to her and make a big deal of...
- Asking her advice
- Explaining the results of a piece of work she assigned you
- Giving her some inside information you researched just for this moment
- Thanking her for something (anything) she did earlier that day that impacted you (even in the smallest way)
- Complimenting her on a piece of work she did
Find a way to focus her attention on something relevant to your job, positive in outlook, affording opportunity for appreciation. Depending on the circumstances, this may be all that is needed to defuse the situation. In the event that it does not, your focus must quickly shift from managing the antecedent behaviour to affecting the consequences. The focus for Part 2...Dealing with your boss by controlling those consequences. |
