There is an old saying: “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me”, the truth of which was a topic of debate over the weekend. It was generally agreed that the adage was in error because although no physical harm is caused by words, there can be a significant emotional impact. The question under discussion was why this is the case.

We were an eclectic group made up of young and old, with wide and varied experiences and even more differing views and beliefs. But none of us had any difficulty agreeing that sometimes things that are said to us can hurt. We also agreed that at other times words ran from us like water down a slide. So the prevailing question was why?

My own view on this topic has been tempered by years of observation and a relentless pursuit of truth. At this point in my journey I am still seeking that elusive ultimate truth for I have learned through experience that truth can simply be what you believe it to be. Is this the territory then wherein the answer to our question lies?

Our beliefs are what shape who we are regardless of what the real reality is. If I believe that someone doesn’t like me before long I will have accumulated sufficient evidence to “prove” that very fact. And yet the other person might be totally unaware of my belief and more importantly, might not have spared me a single thought one way or the other.

We are all creators of our own reality and sometimes we believe the rubbish we tell ourselves to such a degree that it has to be true. When someone jokingly flings a flippant comment our way, the words sting like a whip lash and further reinforce our misconception.

Words do indeed have power, but only if we believe them to be true.

Consider the situation of a young friend of mine, let’s call her Jaz. Jaz is coming to terms with truth versus belief as she reflects on all the things said to her by family and friends. She wants them to stop saying mean things to her; I have told her to stop believing them to be true. Easier said than done I grant you for our beliefs are like behaviours in that they are linked to all aspects of our respective worlds. So if Jaz wants to control her own life, she needs to be able to control what she believes.

If, as she has done in the past, Jaz allows her beliefs to be controlled by what others say she gives away that control and that leaves her open to the harm caused by carelessly flung words. What makes this worst is that in doing so Jaz also gives power to those behind the words. And that is not serving her one little bit.

Does this mean we should just stand by and allow hurtful things to jettison our way? Absolutely not. Our power lies in how we respond to the comments being made. Do we become defensive, angry and upset, behaviours Jaz has tried unsuccessfully in the past, or do we see the words and the individual saying them for what they are: unrelated at all to who we are. Something my young friend has yet to try.

When people say mean things to and about me that are contrary to what I believe to be true, then I know the problem lies with them.  They have an issue they need to deal with and it really is outside of my control. Any acknowledgement or acquiescence on my part will validate their belief and so the best thing I can do is ignore what they say and remove myself from the situation. I have better things to do with my time than take the abuse of others.

Now some might say that saying nothing is the same as agreeing but how can that be the case? If I fervently deny what is being said, those same folk will say “I think thou doest protest too much” and I’ll have given the comments credence. Sometimes it is better just to walk away, to not engage at all and reflect for a moment on reaffirming the things I know to be true and validating my choice to let things lie.

Of course if I do believe what is being said then that in itself is a cue for me to do something about it. I can either change what I believe, or change my behaviour or appearance more in keeping with what it is that I really want rather than what I am stuck with now.

Our human propensity to label things and play that never-ending game of Chinese whispers will ensure that there will always careless comments for us to deal with. We accuse each other of being lazy, or stubborn, or incorrigible. We form assumptions without ever truly understanding the situation. We jump to conclusions, we speak without thinking, we harbour grudges, we let our own hurt and anger filter through in the words we say to others. This says much more about the speaker of the comments and hurtful words, than the receiver and yet it is the receiver that bears the brunt of the impact.  

 But again, only if they believe it to be true.

This lunchtime I got a call from another young person I know. He’s been holding a metaphoric mirror up to his partner every time she slings a stinging arrow his way. It deflects the comments beautifully, leaves him unscathed and her wondering why she feels so bad about what she said. He’s a little tired of playing Captain America every time her built up frustration spills over into their personal life, but he can see that it is the only way he can protect himself and allow her to see what it is she is doing.

In past discussions I shared with him that this is exactly what happens to dogs when they get pushed over threshold. The frustration builds to such a point that they seek out a weaker, more defenceless target on which to release all that pent up anger. The secret with dogs is to change the situation before they reach threshold; change the consequences of their actions, change the environment in which they operate, take them away from what it is that is causing the frustration in the first place.

That’s a pretty good strategy to use with people too. Get in first. Not in the saying of harmful words, but in establishing a clearer communication, or changing the subject or responding in an entirely different way.

That metaphoric mirror I mentioned the young man used? It was the reflection of the truth. He told it like it was and left it at that. Because he didn’t take on board the words used to accuse him because they weren’t true to him, they fell away like bullets from a shield.

 If we arm ourselves with a clear understanding of what we want from the world, what we believe in, and why, very little can penetrate that. The only words that will are those we believe to be true. In this day and age, it’s the best defensive shield we have against a verbal stoning.